My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize