She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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