I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
