I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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