Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
