Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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