Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
