did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sext me about skeletons
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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