i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
