2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
