I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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