woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
