Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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