at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
