youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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