I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
