I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
