Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
