In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
