I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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