Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
