Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
