Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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