my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
