I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
