Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
