I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize