tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
