did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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