dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
