I will die if light touches me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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