the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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