dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
