Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
