Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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