Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
