There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I stole a fireplace last night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
