youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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