I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
