If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i can't believe i had my finger in that
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
