Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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