from now on my penis is your penis
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
