Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
