More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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