I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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