There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
