drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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