I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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