I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
