Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize