Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize