My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
