How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
