It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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