hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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