I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
