U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
