Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
