Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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